All relationships move through levels of intimacy. Intimacy is about communication. Let's look at the levels which a relationship moves through to develop deeper intimacy.

Acquaintance - this is the lowest level of communication. We talk about the weather, maybe our jobs, maybe about our hobbies. This is the safest form of intimacy. In scholarly literature, this is called Phatic communication. Someone may ask us, "How are you doing?" We answer with the obligatory "Fine". All relationships begin at this level.

Factual level - this is the second level of communication. We discuss facts (but not opinions) about a situation. We may share biographies of our favorite actors or statistics about our favorite sport. If we share facts about our personal life they are limited to what is 'public information', such as, occupation, place of work, birth place, marital status and approximate location where we reside.

Opinion level - this third level of communication invites us to share our thoughts about world events, a TV show, our favorite actresses, the economy. This involves some risk because people may disagree with our opinions. This is usually a good testing ground before going deeper into a relationship. How does our new friend receive our opinions? Do they become angry or argumentative? Are they defensive when we invite them to share the reasons for their opinions? Remember opinions are our interpretation of the facts. Each person has right to his or her opinion. Sometimes opinions can be expressed non-verbally, such as, rolling the eyes, shrugging shoulders, turning the back, disengaging from eye contact. How people respond to our opinions is often a clue to the answer to the question, "Do I want to become more intimate with person?"

Feeling level - this fourth level of communication is where risk is experienced. At this level, we are willing to share our feelings about how people treat us or talk to us. We may say, "When you call people who act that way names, I am hurt and am angry." We may confront the person and say, "Don't use those words around my children." Here we are sharing our feelings about this person, their behavior, their choices. This level of communication often gives us a clue about our new friend's emotional intelligence. Do they have a good self-awareness of their feeling state? Or do they simply hit the table when they are frustrated? Or do they sulk and withdraw without an explanation of their feelings or behaviors? It is very difficult to develop intimacy when people are unable to express their feelings in words.

Deep, intimate level - this fifth and highest level of communication is sometimes called, 'peak communication'. If the relationship has grown deeper through healthy sharing of feelings, the relationship is ready for heart-to-heart intimacy. Here the relationship is ready to say, "I love you," "I forgive you," I am sorry," and 'Will you forgive me?" I am amazed how many marriages do not move to this level, even though, the couple believes that they do have this level of communication. Many couples are fooled into thinking that because they have 'feeling level' communication they have reached 'peak communication.'

Intimacy is more than sharing feelings, intimacy is sharing heart-to-heart thoughts and feelings in safety, without fear of censure, correction, rejection, manipulation, and abuse. It is this venue of safety which is key to developing what most of us think about when we think about intimacy.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen