This is Mother's Day.

For some people this is not a happy day. This the Hallmark Holiday when they remember their birth mother was physically and/or emotionally unavailable to them.

What do you do when find yourself in this situation?

First, it doesn't particularly help to think about all the reasons why mother was physically or emotionally unavailable. Sometimes we make excuses for this experience: she was always ill, she was an alcoholic, she had to share her love with too many of us, she was a single mom and she had support us, she made poor choices and as a result, she wasn't there.

The reason that excuse-making isn't helpful is that you were not a rational adult when you were experiencing all of this abandonment. You were a small child. This was all of life you know. In fact you may have even thought it was normal. Today it that little child in you is who is crying about those missed experiences. You can try and rationalize your mother's behavior today, however, your heart is still broken over the missed opportunities to experience your mother's attention.

There are a two different approaches to dealing with the absent mother. One is grief-work. Utilizing the skills of the field of grief-work, you can work through the losses which you experienced in your childhood. This means going through the anger, sadness, depression, and pain of your abandonment. Healing comes from going through the grief experience.

Some people have found trauma counseling also helpful. This means using concepts like grounding, ambivilent attachment, challenging irrational thoughts, and forgiveness to find healing.

I have used both approaches successfully with people who are dealing with abandonment of a parent.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen