This weekend I attended a workshop on forgiveness led by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring who has written a great book on forgiveness: How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to, Harper/Collins, 2004.

As Dr. Spring was talking about this topic, I realized that one of the issues in broken relationships is how people talk to each other.

Name calling - "You bitch!"

Labeling - "You're a lazy bum!"

Stereotyping - "You're just like your father!"

Prophesying - "You will grow up to be delinquent!"

Freezing Attitudes - "I will never forget this!"

Generalizing - "You are always late!"

Catastrophysing - "If you don't earn more money, we will be in the poor house forever!"

I am sure you can think of other forms of speech which destroy relationships.

When you and I use these destructive ways of talking to our loved ones, we are disregulated - we are angry, we are out of control, we are demanding, we are often disrespectful. Ultimately we are being destructive; we should not be surprised if we reap broken relationships with those around us.

Woe betide the target of our venom, if they speak in the same or even more destructive manner.

We may be legitimately angry about someone's behavior. We may be justified with our irritation or frustration.

However, if we want to maintain a relationship with the person who has wronged us; we need to regulate ourselves before we confront this person. We must calm down, take a deep breath, go for some fresh air before we confront the person with whom we are displeased.

We cannot expect a person to react in a regulated manner, if we are disregulated.

The secret of maintaining reconciled, mature relationships is to communicate in a regulated manner.

If we fear that we might loose control of our temper at any point of the confrontation, we need to do the following:

1. We need to place our hands and body in an open stance. This stance projects openness and vulnerability. Hands across the chest, in pockets, or behind our back suggests a closed heart.

2. We extend a compliment. "I love you." "I care about you and our relationship." "Thank you for being willing to listen to me."

3. We admit our frustration and our fear. "I care about us so much that right now I am afraid that I may say or do something which will hurt our relationship." "I love you and I am afraid that right now I may say something or do something that will only destroy our relationship." We take ownership of our own feelings.

4. We state our intention. "I am going to leave the room for 20 minutes. I am going to cool down and think about what I am going to say to you." It is very important to declare how much time you are going to give for the 'cooling down' period. If you fail to do this, your family member will assume that you are walking away (which is a form of stonewalling) and disrespecting him or her.

5. We remove ourselves from the situation. Return with our clearer thoughts for re-engaging in the discussion. We return with a regulated emotional system.

If you are a disregulated partner or parent, you cannot expect your partner or child to react to you in a regulated manner. You reap what you sow.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen