Well, folks it's only 26 days from Valentine's Day!

I am thinking about doing some blogs about finding and keeping love!

So pull up the couch and send me some ideas or questions you have about this finding or keeping love and I will work with them in the next few weeks!

Ron

Help, I'm the parent of a teen! How do I deal with my 'hard to deal with teen'? My teen is driving me crazy! How do I get my teen to cooperate? Does anyone have any idea what to do?

First, you have to identify what you want to address. Do you want to address substance abuse? Homework? Respect? Coming home late. Cleaning up the bathroom? Leaving stuff all over the house? The key is to pick which issue you want to work on. You cannot work on all the issues at one time. Some parents want total, overnight change. That is not going to happen. Pick the ONE issue you want to tackle. Whatever the issue, the strategy I am sharing with you will work for all of these.

Second, you need to define exactly what you want to address. Are you opposed to all smoking or just smoking in the house? If it is illegal drugs, then you probably are opposed to all. Are you upset with her talking back or cursing you out? What about the clutter in the bathroom bothers you? You must be very specific about what it is about the issue you want to address. The reason you need to be clear and specific is you cannot get your child to know what you want nor can you write an agreement that will be enforceable. So before you sit down with your teen, think what about your teen's behavior do you want to see changed.

Third, think about what your child really enjoys. Maybe she likes to talk to her friends on her phone. Or she like to go shopping on Friday nights at the mall. Maybe he likes to play videos everyday. Or he likes to go skateboarding with his friends. These are not 'rights'. These are privileges. So he and she can loose them. These become the consequences for breaking the agreement. Now rate these enjoyables. The most desired activity becomes consequence 'B";the second less enjoyable activity becomes consequence 'A'. Here it is important to get your teen's agreement - because your teen needs buy in if this is going to succeed. (Don't make a consequence something you cannot enforce. This is why grounding usually doesn't work with teens. Do you really want to stay home with your teen for the next four weekends?)

Fourth, write the agreement.

A. The problem is - be specific. What is the issue to be addressed? E.G. "John will be home (inside the house) at 10 PM - Sunday through Thursday. John will be inside the house at Midnight on Friday and Saturday. This will be determined on the clock in the kitchen." (You must be specific - or your teen will twist you in the wind about his watch or the time on his cell phone.) "Sarah will not use the following words when she talks to her parents - list of words."

B. Consequence A - If John is not home by 10 PM, he will lose his video game privileges for one night.

C. Consequence B - If John is not home by the hour he is supposed be for two nights in a row, the consequence is he loses his privilege to be out with his friends for one night.

If the teen begins to play the game of one night late, one night on time, etc. you can change the agreement to so many days out in a week and you lose _ (privilege). For example, three nights out late means no weekend with friends. The same adjustment can be made with other kinds of consequences.

D. Rewards - It is often helpful to build a reward into compliance. This works well with younger teens. This can be a pizza party on Friday night. Or it can be some other reward (be careful not to get dragged into expensive toys or events). You have to eat anyway - so a favorite meal or restaurant is a reasonable reward. Or find an inexpensive event you can attend together. Some teens want to invite a friend over for the weekend as their reward. This has also worked.

Once you have compliance in one area of behavior, you can move to other areas which need some work.

(c)2006 Ronald Friesen

"Sometimes I feel like I can't go on anymore!"

"There are times I just sit and cry and cry."

"Will the pain ever stop?"

In dealing with the death of my parents and several close friends in the past 6 years, I have lived through many of these feelings. As I have sat with grieving people over the years as a pastor and counselor, I have heard people talk about being overwhelmed with waves of grief.

"I feel like I am going to drown!"

First, we all need to remember that these feelings are normal feelings. Sadness, loneliness, pain, hurt - and other feelings are all normal feelings associated with grief.

Second, the grief experience is like a roller coaster. We experience highs and lows. We have moments of laughter as we recall a favorite happy moment and we have times of tears as we feel our loneliness and how much we miss this loved one.

Third, we need to find some strategies to 'empty our emotional cup.' Think of your life like a cup. This cup is full of all kinds of feelings. Happiness for the birth of a child, laughter at a joke, pride over a job well-done, anger at the person who cut you off in traffic, disappointment in the friends who don't call anymore (they were there for the first month of your loss - but they seemed to have forgotten you), sadness at the death of your loved one. Your cup is full!! What happens when the cup is bumped? The cup will spill out your most intense emotion at the moment. It might be tears, it might be anger, it might be hurt. Since your emotional cup is full, it has difficulty receiving new feelings and experiences. So the secret of healing through grief is to find ways to empty the cup a little everyday.

Here are some of the things I did when my grief was still fresh and painful (and I have found that these things work with other grievers as well):

1. Excercise - this exercise can be a vigorous walk (where there is snow and cold, many malls are open for walking before shopping opens), dancing or stretching to music, riding a bike, swimming, playing basketball, doint exercise to a video or TV exercise program.

2. Writing or Drawing - I wrote letters to my departed friends, family members and shared them with trusted confidants. One lady painted pictures of the stations of the cross after her husband died. She found great comfort in this. Helping children draw pictures of their loved ones is helpful.

3. Taking care of our health. It is well-documented that grieving people have depressed immune systems. Besides the exercise mentioned earlier, making sure we visit the doctor regularly is important. My doctor discovered that my iron count was down after my dad died. He gave me a new diet to deal with this. Drinking water is key! Since in grief we have a terrible time remembering anything, it is recommended that we fill up several bottles of water, place them in the refrigerator and then make sure we drink them before nightfall.

4. Meditation. Meditation not so much on our loved one, but meditation on thoughts and beliefs which nurture us. Our lives are being depleted by the intensity of our pain. I found music, spiritual readings, prayer (especially reading other people's written prayers - since I was too weak spiritually to compose my own prayers - I found it helpful to read written prayers, including the Psalms in the Bible) helpful ways to mediate and renew my depleted spirit and soul.

5. Talking to someone. Research has shown that those who have a support system heal through grief more rapidly and in a healthier manner than those who have few or no supports. If you don't have friends or family who will listen to you talk about your loved one for the umpteenth time, you may need to find a grief group (call a local hospice agency) or a counselor. I found friends AND a counselor who I could talk to. There are several online support groups (much like this blogsite) where you can find someone who will listen.

Remember, we don't get over grief - we get through grief.

The pain we feel today is the price we pay for loving and caring. This pain will gradually be transformed into healing - into a space and time and place where we honor our departed loved ones with well-lived lives.

The holiday season is upon us in America. This week we will be gathering as families to celebrate Thanksgiving. In about five weeks we will gather to celebrate Christmas and Hanakkah.

As a counselor of grieving people, I am often asked for tips on how to get through the holidays when grief is so fresh in our hearts and minds.

Here are some tips:

*Remind yourself that grief is a normal part of life. Grieving is the price we pay for loving. Don't berate yourself for feeling sad, for missing your loved one, for being weepy. You are normal. Take care of yourself. If you need to leave a party early, do so. If you can't handle all the music in the stores or place of worship, take yourself home.

*Traditions are made for people; people were not made for traditions. Just because it was the tradition for you to cook and host the big holiday meal doesn't mean that you need to keep doing it. This might be the year to make a new tradition. Maybe this will be year you don't decorate a tree or the house.

*Don't try to buy yourself out of your grief. It is tempting to think that buying all those presents will somehow lessen the pain of grief. Set a budget and stick to it.

*Plan ahead. You cannot go from December 24 to December 26. Just as we have to go through grief, so we have to go through the 25th. Plan a special event for your special day. This event need not fill the whole day.

*Recognize your loved one in the celebration. One family has a 'Daddy' candle - this candle goes to all family functions and is lit and sits where Daddy would have sat.

*Plan some special cermonies or rituals for the holiday.
> Light a candle in memory of your loved one
> Purchase a live Christmas tree and after Christmas donate to a local park
> Donating money to a charity, e.g. purchasing a gift for the Salvation Army children in memory of your loved one
> Making a special momento book or ornament in memory of your loved one
> Visiting a place that was special to your loved one and recalling the memories

You will survive the holidays. You may hurt, and you will survive. The holidays maybe the worst of your grief time. Eventually, you will heal and your memories will persist without pain.

If you have specific questions about holidays and grief, please send them along. I will try my best from years of experience in dealing with my own grief and the grief of hundreds of other people to answer your questions.

Peace to all of us who grieve in this season.

Domestic Violence is back in the news this week with the release of O. J. Simpson's book.

The reality and pain of domestic violence in our society cannot be denied.

Here are a few statistics:

*5.3 million intimate partner victimizations occur each year among U.S. women ages 18 and over.

*In Arizona alone in 2004, there were 80 domestic violence related homicides.

*In Arizona, a woman is murdered by her husband or boyfriend every four days.

*In Arizona, a woman is raped every 4 hours and 41 minutes.

(You can go the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website for statistics for your state.)

The numbers don't really matter - one woman suffering violence at the hands of a man to whom she has trusted her life is one woman too many!

What to do?

1. Recognize the cycle of domestic violence (see the blog below this one for the cycle.)

2. If you recognize yourself as a victim of domestic violence, develop a safety plan. Safety plan information is available at many emergency rooms at hospitals as well as the American Bar Association website. Abusers do not get better - until they are forced to get better! If you were a victim today - the changes you will be a victim tomorrow are 100%!

4. If you believe divorce is breaking your marriage vow, please, recognize that the violence done against you means that the vow is already broken! You did not say vows which included permission to be violated and abused.

3. If you are a friend of a person who is a victim of domestic violence, do the following: a. provide support! b. do not blame victim! c. help this person develop a safety plan! d. take this person to a counselor.

4. If you are a community leader, a political leader, a spiritual leader - you have an obligation to use your 'bully pulpit' to speak against domestic violence. If you are a man - you especially are needed to speak up on this issue!

5. If you are concerned about the resources available to women and children who are fleeing domestic violence become involved politically to raise the funds need to provide a way of escape for these victims. (Every day women and children are turned away from DV shelters in this country because of the lack of beds!)

For more information on domestic violence from a religious and spiritual perspective please see my blogs:

http://radicaldiscipleship.blogstream.com/

http://sendyourliestohell.blogstream.com/

ron