Recently I was having a conversation with a new friend about how people express themselves. She said she was 'too sensitive'. She said it in a way that made me think that she thinks it is bad or wrong to be too sensitive.

The problem with saying things like "He is too sensitive" or "She is lazy" is that we are actually using labels so that we can describe someone in what is a 'shorthanded' way. This shortened expression is assumed to describe everything we know about this person. So if we say a person is 'lazy' we have said everything that there is to say about the person. I have never met a 'lazy' person, I have only met people who didn't do things as quickly as I did. I never met a person we call a 'cook', I only met people who put together ingredients which created something for me to eat.

Bill Russell, the Hall of Fame basketball player of another era, was approached by a stranger on the streets of New York who asked him, "Aren't you, Bill Russell the basketplayer?" Bill Russell replied, "No, I am Bill Russell and I play basketball." Bill Russell is more than Bill Russell, the basketplayer.

For the person who said she were too sensitive I wrote this little poem:

I don't know what a sensitive person is,
I only know I saw some one cry
When he saw a crippled lady cross the street.
We call some people sensitive
Because they show their pain in their eyes
When our eyes are still dry.
I don't know what a sensitive person is,
I only know that some people show their caring
More quickly and openly than others.

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen (with apologies to Dr. Marshal Rosenberg's poem, I never saw a Lazy man).

Those are my thoughts about labels that we throw around so quickly and easily.

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

"Don't forget your homework!"

"Don't forget to brush your teeth!"

"Don't run into the street!"

"Don't cheat on the test!"

And the most famous one: "Don't touch that!"

Fellow Blogstream blogger, Decorous (mindpower) recently posted this item as part of her list on ideas for better parenting:

"Negative commands are disapproving statements of what behaviors are not desired or expected."

If you listen to people around you in your home, workplace, grocery store, you will hear statements like this all day.

Here is the deal - HOW DO YOU DO A "NO"?

Did you know that is has been proven that the mind doesn't hear a 'no'. The human mind abhors a vacuum.

If you have ever gone bowling, what have you said to yourself? "Don't put the ball in the gutter." If you have played golf, you have said similar things to yourself - "Don't put the ball in the water!" Guess what happened. Yes, sireee, the very thing you didn't want to happen occurred.

Giving negative commands to yourself or anyone else is a waste of time and energy.

Our world would be better off if we all learned to communicate in positive terms rather than negative ones. At least that is my thought.

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

One of my neighbors sent me this:

I'M SURE ALL OF YOU HAVE AN EXTRA SET OF KEYS. PUT A SET BY YOUR BEDSIDE TABLE. I DID & IT WORKED!!! THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST (and cheapest) DETERRENTS I HAVE EVER RECEIVED!!!!!

I tried this from our bedroom and it worked!!!!--I tried it during the day time so I wouldn't shake up the neighborhood.
A lady police officer passed this on and I felt that it might be of some benefit for others.
Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

This tip came from a Neighborhood watch coordinator.

Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house a nd will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key chain.
It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar or rapist won't stick around....after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there.....
This is something that should really be shared with everyone.
Maybe it could save a life or prevent a sexual abuse crime!

Be Safe!!
“

"Marriage is grand, divorce is a hundred grand!"

"I never have met anyone who said at the alter, "Someday I am going to divorce this person."" (Ron Friesen to many of his clients who come from marriage counseling.)

I believe there are legitimate reasons for divorce. I call them the four "A's":

Abandonment
Adultery
Abuse
Addiction

However, most people don't divorce because of those four reasons. Most people divorce because 'we grew apart'.

So how do we not 'grow apart' in our marriages?

1. Realize that your marriage relationship is the most important relationship in your life. Work, friends and children will be gone, your relationship with your partner will still be there if you nurture it. You must do all in your power to not let anything destroy your relationship with your partner.

2. Cultivate your relationship by knowing what is your partner's 'love language'. Gary Chapman did the world a big favor a few years ago when he wrote a book by this title. Here are Chapman's five love languages:

Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch

You can go Chapman's website to learn more about each of the love languages. In his book, there is a test to discover which is your preferred love language.

Most of us practice the love language we would like to receive - not the one our lover would like to receive! No wonder we have problems!

3. Cultivate your friendship by spending time doing something you both enjoy doing! Now this seems to make sense but many of us don't do it! Remember the TV show with Tim Allen where he is supposed to go to the theater and ends up at the hockey game instead? Tim's TV wife thinks that teaching her children some culture would be good - so she buys tickets to the theater. Unfortunately she cannot go, so she sends Tim. Well, you already know the rest of the story. Sometimes the interests of our partners are not our interests. Yet if we wish to cultivate our relationship we learn to do those things which please our partner.

I will add some more tips of keeping the love in your relationship in coming blogs.

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

ADHD - Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder

ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder

Most people are aware of the first because the child has difficulty sitting and staying focused on his school work. This child is walking around the class, sitting in his desk one second, sitting on the floor, next, usually bothering other students.

In the second, the child has difficulty focusing - the child may not exhibit the same activity as the ADHD child. The child simply has difficulty focusing on the work in front of them. I have seen these children sit in their desk, look around, play with their pencil, get out another book, etc.

There are many theories of treatment.

First, I would discourage diagnosis for pre-kindergarten children. There are some pre-school children who exhibit ADHD characteristics - but the same children also exhibit many other behaviors as well. These children have all kinds of issues of which hyperactivity is only one of them.

Second, before medication should be tried, a good faith effort should be made to address the child's behavior in constructive ways. Is the child bored? Many children act out because they are bored. Extra work usually takes care of this problem. Some children need simple re-direction in their day. This can be done unobtrusively by the teacher. Some teachers point to their eye or tap their head and this redirects their child. The biggest issue for inattentive children is consistency of discipline and direction at home and school. Because these children often fall apart during transtion times (from one subject to another, from lunchroom to the classroom, etc.) it is important that the child be involved in the process. Some teachers recruit the student to carry the class list, others get them to hold the door, etc. Because ADHD children are often 'quick' to learn and to act, they often find the process boring. Involving the child in the transition process is helpful. Some school use some form of behavior reward or report system. Because these children have difficulty 'making their day' - they usually lose it by noon - a system that rewards the child more often and who allow him or her to 'start their day over again' is preferable to a system which makes kids get rewarded only one time a day. Helping the child to organize their work (ADHD children lose their homework everyday and numerous times a day) is important.

Third, some children respond well to alternative therapies. Some parents find that a can of coca cola in the morning actually works for their children. Stimulants work in the opposite manner on hyperactive children - they actually calm down! Some health food carry products which work for some children. Also diet works for some children. Many foods high in food coloring seem to be 'toxic' for these children.

Fourth, there are a variety of medications available for ADHD. There are a variety of thoughts about using these medications. Some children seem to respond while to these well. What is known from the research is that medications plus counseling is the preferred treatment. Why add counseling? We know that children with ADHD are afflicted not only with 'a mind that is always running fast' but also have over the years of their affliction picked up many ineffective ways of dealing with their worlds. These children complain that they cannot make friends and keep them. They feel that no one understands them. These children need a 'coach' (which is what a counselor can do) to unlearn, relearn and learn ways of interacting, focusing, etc. so they can be more successful.

Fifth, intelligence is not affected by ADHD. The child's schoolwork may suffer from the lack of child's ability to focus, however, his or her native ability is unaffected. Some of the brightest people in our world suffered from ADHD. (Einstein and Edison were both believed to have ADHD.)

Sixth, I am not a md or a psychologist. I cannot diagnose your child over the phone or the internet. The most effective evaluation is done by a psychologist trained in evaluating ADHD. If you have insurance, your insurance will likely pay for the evaluation. There are now some very sophisticated testing measures for ADD/ADHD. Check out the psychologist you are going to use to do the testing. Get references. Ask your pediatrician or school psychologist for referrals.

(c)2007 Ronald Friesen