It was 7 years ago on December 31, 1999 that my father died.

He was diagnosed with liver cancer on October 15, 1999. As liver cancer is an untreatable disease, we knew that he would not be with us long.

Fortunately I was working at a job which allowed me an extended Christmas break. I quickly made arrangements to fly out of Phoenix on December 19. I arrived at Vancouver airport where my brother-in-law met me and took me to the hospital where my dad was staying. My father recognized me and we exchanged hugs and greetings. I stayed for a brief while and went to my parents' home for a rest.

The next three days were spent reconnecting with my father. I was there when the attorney came in to have my dad sign some papers. My dad told the attorney to hurry, "This is costing me money." My dad was still thinking about not wasting money in his last days. We all laughed because this was a standard joke in the family - my dad's thriftiness. I cried as I saw my dad's strong signature turn into an 'x'. He no longer had the strength to write his name. (We later found papers my dad had signed a couple days before his hospitalization - this signature with the normal strength and clarity.)

My brother and I were there as we talked about our past relationships. We confessed our shortcomings as sons, he confessed his shortcomings as a father. Peace was made.

I flew back to Arizona to spend Christmas with my sons and wife. We were in constant contact with family in Canada. On Christmas Day, my family reported that my father was declining rapidly. I made arrangement to fly back to Vancouver.

Unfortunately, my trip created some challenges. On December 26 I went to the airport. Upon arriving at the airport I learned that America West pilots were not landing in Vancouver - too much fog. I called my family and told them I wasn't going anywhere that night. They came and picked me up. I went back to the airport the next night. Again only to be told that the flight was canceled. As I was at the America West Customer service line, they announced the flight was going. I was moved up to first class! It was an uneventful flight - the extra large seats and attention and food were nice.

I arrived at the Vancouver airport and again my brother-in-law met me. I went straight to the hospital again. On this night, I stayed at the hospital for the night. In the morning I gave my dad a shave and helped with his general care. I was thinking, "Life is turning around. Many years ago you washed me and cared for me, today I am washing you and caring for you."

On December 31 about 9:15 AM the telephone rang as my mother and I were sharing breakfast. The nurse told my mom that my dad had just passed. The family quickly collected in the hospital room and paid our last goodbyes.

Due to the Friday death, we were forced to have to deal with the holiday weekend. The funeral was held on January 6, 2000. My mother said we would have a small family gathering and committal service at the cemetery followed by a small memorial service. Well, I guess 'small' is in the mind of the beholder. My mother is one of 13 siblings; my father one of 12 living siblings. Counting all the in-laws and all their children and their children's children we ended up with about 250 at the graveside. I had to remind my mother that our father, her husband, had not lived a private life. Over 750 people attended the service and there were letters of condolences from the Prime Minister of Canada down to janitors and cleaning people who knew my father. I was given the grace to read the eulogy which we had written for our father.

Parent grief is one of those 'necessary' losses. As much as we want our parents with us for a long time and maybe, forever, we realize that they are not going to be with us forever.

Not knowing how to handle my parent loss, I began interviewing all of my friends to see how they dealt with the death of their fathers. I created my own informal support group in this way.

I believe in legacies. I think of the legacy my father left: a legacy of public service. My dad believed that we should try to leave the world a better place than we found it. He did this through his many public leadership roles in the community, church and civic life. Of course, his public roles were not without cost to us as family. I spend much of adolescence without a father present in my life. My father was about work. I am sure my work ethic flows from his example and discipline.

This is January 6, 2008 - the seventh anniversary of the celebration of my father's life. I miss my father. I work to live out the legacy he left me. I have many 'fathers' in my life today: men who still speak into my life. I hope that I am a 'father' to many as well.

"Life is not a problem to be solved, it is a gift to opened."
- Wayne Muller, Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood

There is a common belief that men grieve differently than women.

It is believed that because men are socialized differently as children that they handle loss differently than women.

What researchers are finding is that there is not 'a man's way to grieve' and 'a woman's way to grieve.'

The research says that there are two ways to grieve: active (also called instrumental grievers) and intuitive.

Active Grievers

People who are active grievers cannot sit still and cry. These are the people who immediately spring into action after the loss and begin taking care of the details. They start planning the arrangements. They talk to people, They go back to work. They begin taking care of disposing of the deceased possessions.

Active grievers are often misunderstood because they do not openly show their grief through tears. They are grieving; they do not express their grief through open emotional release.

Intuitive Grievers

People who are intuitive grievers often seem paralyzed by their loss. They will sit for hours and weep. They will will talk about their feelings, however, they feel a need to do this for many months and sometimes years. Intuitive grievers find it difficult to resume their lives after the death. They find themselves stuck in their pain.

Intuitive grievers are often frustrating to active grievers because they often appear to lack the energy or desire to move on. They are immobilized by their pain; they need patience and support from loved ones and friends.

When I first heard this description of these two kinds of grievers, I wondered what 'kind of griever am I?' When my friend, Ross, died, I found out my grief style.

I am an active or instrumental griever. I tried to sit down in the nursing home and reflect on Ross's life while I was awaiting the mortuary. I found that after about 3 minutes, I had to get up and start doing something. I began putting together Ross's belongs (I was his legal guardian so responsible for his earthly possessions.). I took the many pictures off the walls. I collected his clothes. I emptied the drawers into boxes. I am an active griever.

What kind of griever are you?

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

"That was so long ago - she doesn't remember living through the fire!"

"It's a good thing she is so young. She won't even remember the car accident!"

"I was pregnant when I fell, that shouldn't make any difference now."

There is a common misconception that traumas that people experience inutero and as small children (especially in the pre-verbal stage) have no lingering effects into adulthood.

New research is challenging this myth.

In his recently released book, Trauma Through A Child's Eyes: Awakening the Ordinary Miracle of Healing, Dr. Peter A. Levine argues that modern research asserts that the 'trauma is in the nervous system - not in the event!' (p. 4)

Here is how it works: the memory of the traumatic experience is imprinted on the brain even though it is forgotten in the mind. (The brain and mind are not the same thing.) There is a small almond-shaped structure in our midbrain called the amygdala. When the amygdala which is responsible quickly activating the brain when danger presents itself, responds to sights and sounds and recruits many areas of the brain. The amygdala is like an early warning system for the body.

When danger is sensed, muscles tense and hormones are released, which are designed to keep us safe, flood our body and brain. "The frontal cortex, which thinks and reasons, then plays a critical role in sorting out whether or not the barking dog is a friend or foe, the shadow is a stalker or a friendly stranger, or the object in your path is a snake or a stick. If the dog turns out to be friendly, the message the cortex then sends back to the amygdala quiets the fear response." (Levine, p. 10(

Unfortunately, if a person has been traumitized, the cortex is incapable of calming the fear response. This 'cortical bypass' makes it impossible for us to reason away the fear response leaving us to act out the fear on others with extreme emotion, or to suffer silently from overwhelming feelings, or to blank-out from the distressing fear-response signals." As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (Levine, p. 11), has noted, "In PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) the frontal cortex is held hostage by a volatile amygdala. THINKING IS HIJACKED BY EMOTION."

Here is the good news - you don't have to paralyzed by the trauma of your childhood.

I would encourage you to get hold of Levine's book and read it - it is filled with help for people who have experienced trauma.

(c) 2007 Ronald Friesen

Last fall, I experienced a loss we seldom talk about in our society: the loss we experience when friends retire at work.

Bob and Kathleen both chose to retire last December. As all relationships, I had a unique relationship with both of these two wonderful people.

Bob was my supervisor while I completed my Master of Counseling internship at Catholic Charities in 1998. However, my relationship with Bob began in 1992 when I joined a Toastmaster Club in Phoenix. Bob was one of my teachers long before I became a counselor. It was through one of Bob's speeches at our club that I learned about H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. is an acronym for four common triggers for people recovering from addictions.

H - ungry
A - ngry
L - onely
T - ired

To this day, I still use this little teaching tool to help clients and those I supervise who are working with clients dealing with addictions.

After I completed my internship, I was hired by Catholic Charities for a school counseling position. Bob became my supervisor. Bob was a wonderful model for learning supervision; I find myself using many of his teaching methods today as I supervise staff and interns at Catholic Charities.

Thank you, Bob, for being a great model, mentor and friend. Good luck in your retirement.

Kathleen became my supervisor when some of Bob's responsibilities were divided up differently. Kathleen is a licensed clinical social worker who grew up in the San Francisco area. Her oriental frame of mind and personality added to my growth as a counselor. After I was promoted to Lead Counselor in 2005, Kathleen and I become next door neighbors in the counseling department. I miss the expertise, the mature experience, the gift of theoretical analysis which Kathleen added to my life. I am grateful for her gift of friendship for three years.

Have you noticed in your life that we frequently overlook the losses that come by the way of 'just living.' Judith Viorst called these 'Necessary Losses'; losses that occur in the normal course of living - like the friends you lose contact with after high school or when you move to a different part of the country or when your co-workers retire.

I just wish these kind of losses weren't so 'necessary.'

(c) 2007 Ron Friesen