I am thinking about writing some blogs about intimacy -

I would appreciate your assistance -

Do you have some specific areas of intimacy you would like to see me address?

I am willing to give my best attempt....

ron

Yesterday I had to take my 1972 El Camino to the shop for some tinkering on the carburetor after it 'hiccuped' and developed a stutter leaving me with an intermittent stall at the red light. While at the shop I spent some time with Dale, the owner of the shop.

We discussed how business is doing in an economy most people are describing as 'in recession.' Dale said that business is down about 15% over last year, however, he is optimistic about the rest of the year and the future. He told me that he works with a life coach to keep his attitude up and to give him guidance.

Life coaching is a big business. If you type, life coach, into your Google search engine you will get 5,300,000 listings. There are lots of people who think they can make a living being a 'life coach'. If this is the case, you may want to practice some 'caveat emptor' before signing up with just anyone to be your life coach.

First, you need to know there is no national or state certification to be a life coach. While some people may claim to join a 'life coach association' and, thereby, have some form of certification, this certification should be taken with a grain of salt. Anyone can set up an organization and 'certify' people for anything, including 'life coaching.' Don't be taken in by people claiming to be a 'certified life coach'.

Second, while checking out the credentials of a life coach, be aware that many life coaches specialize in certain areas of expertise. Dale tells me that what makes his life coach effective is that he specializes only in owners of automotive repair facilities. His life coach knows his business and can give him guidance about his particular business. If I was going to launch a private counseling practice, I would want to hire a life coach who knew the ins and outs of private practice. If you are going through a career change, you may want to find a life coach who understands career testing, etc.

Third, check references. While this should be obvious, I am amazed how many people leave themselves open to fraud and waste by trusting what they see and hear. Remember this life coach is your employee. You are hiring him or her to do a job for you. Any person worth hiring will give you a list of satisfied customers. You may want to check with friends and other professionals in your field to find a qualified person.

Fourth, you may want to do a background check. After all you are putting yourself in the hands of this person who is going to have a significant impact on your life. Hiring a life coach is not cheap. Most charge at least $100 an hour - average seems to be around $125 an hour. You don't want to throw away your hard earned money. A $50 background check is worth the thousands you are going to give this person. (If you don't believe me, do the math: 20 sessions @ $100 equals $2,000.)

As my friend, Dale, has discovered his life coach has more than paid for himself in the past 5 years. (Dale has seen his business grow about 20% a year by implementing the strategies his life coach has given him. Dale tells me that even though business is down this year, he believes that his coach is helping him be more efficient and productive so his losses will be lower than most comparable businesses.)

If you have used a life coach, I would be interested in hearing your experience.

Update - CM asked me what a life coach is - I have posted a description in the comment section. I hope this may answer this question.

Today is Memorial Day.

This is the day to visit the cemetery, or at least, this is the stated social custom according to some people.

This brings up some questions. Is visiting the grave of your departed loved one a requirement of showing respect to their memory. Is visiting the grave a necessary ingredient of healthy grieving? Is not visiting the grave a sign of disrespect? Will not visiting the grave impair your grieving process?

I must submit a disclaimer at the outset. I grew up in a country where there is no day such as Memorial Day when people remember the deceased. We did recognize Armistice day (November 11) when we thought of those who died in WWI and WWII. The remembrance for November 11 was soley to acknowledge gratitude for the soldiers who died during those wars.

Second, I must say I grew up in a family where going to the cemetery was not seen as necessary or even desired. My family was deeply religious and believed that the physical body was the house of the soul and upon death the soul was reunited with its creator and the body was laid to rest in the ground for the day of resurrection when the body and soul would be reunited for eternity in paradise. There was no need to go the grave and pay respects to an empty shell. I have only visited the gravesides of my grandparents once since they died over 35 years ago and the gravesides of my parents one time since their deaths almost 8 years ago.

All of that said, I am a Certified Thanatologist (Association of Death Education and Counseling - ADEC), that is, I am specially trained in deal with death and grief. I teach classes on dying, death and grief on a regular basis in my community on both a formal university level and informal lay level. Given this training and role, the question of visiting the grave of the beloved has new interest for me.

The first rule for grieving is that everyone grieves differently. This means we cannot make rules for each other about what rituals or practices we must follow in order to grieve appropriately. I would say that visiting the grave is a personal preference which should not be forced on anyone including children. There is no research which says that people who visit cemeteries grieve in a healthier manner than those who refrain from doing so.

Second, visiting the graveside of a beloved can encourage healthy reflection on the life of the departed. Today when I went to National Veteran's Cemetery, I saw many people sitting near the grave of their departed. In one case, there were five men who had brought their lawn chairs and were sitting by the grave of their departed one. They were laughing and sharing memories. This is very healthy.

Third, sometimes visiting the grave of a loved one can be part of the ritual of going on with life. I know young brides who go the cemetery on their wedding day and visit with their deceased parent and share with them their dreams and hopes and their regrets for not having their loved one with them on this special day. These forms of ritual are healing and should be encouraged if desired by the grieving survivor.

I know widows and widowers who make a daily trip to the cemetery to see their loved ones. I have to confess I am not a big fan of this behavior. At the same time, I, as a counselor, must remember the first rule of grieving: "Everyone grieves differently." I cannot say that this is right or wrong. Each person must do as he or she sees fit for their healing process. At the same time, the widow or widower who never goes to the cemetery should not be chastised for his or her choice.

Let us also remember that many people today no longer bury their loved one in a cemetery. They choose to keep their loved on in the box in the closet or to scatter the ashes in some beloved spot on the earth or water. These people have chosen to remember their loved one in their own way.

If you visited a cemetery or not on this Memorial Day, I hope that you are at peace with yourself and your choices.

This is Mother's Day.

For some people this is not a happy day. This the Hallmark Holiday when they remember their birth mother was physically and/or emotionally unavailable to them.

What do you do when find yourself in this situation?

First, it doesn't particularly help to think about all the reasons why mother was physically or emotionally unavailable. Sometimes we make excuses for this experience: she was always ill, she was an alcoholic, she had to share her love with too many of us, she was a single mom and she had support us, she made poor choices and as a result, she wasn't there.

The reason that excuse-making isn't helpful is that you were not a rational adult when you were experiencing all of this abandonment. You were a small child. This was all of life you know. In fact you may have even thought it was normal. Today it that little child in you is who is crying about those missed experiences. You can try and rationalize your mother's behavior today, however, your heart is still broken over the missed opportunities to experience your mother's attention.

There are a two different approaches to dealing with the absent mother. One is grief-work. Utilizing the skills of the field of grief-work, you can work through the losses which you experienced in your childhood. This means going through the anger, sadness, depression, and pain of your abandonment. Healing comes from going through the grief experience.

Some people have found trauma counseling also helpful. This means using concepts like grounding, ambivilent attachment, challenging irrational thoughts, and forgiveness to find healing.

I have used both approaches successfully with people who are dealing with abandonment of a parent.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen

Do you have unfilled dreams?

Have you been looking for a job without success?

Are you looking for a relationship and going home to an empty home?

First, you are not alone. Millions of Americans are experiencing this same frustration. I know that probably isn't a great comfort; just know that your experience is not unique. Sometimes knowing that our situation is not unique helps us not to blame ourselves.

Second, think about your plan to change your life. The reason I say that you should look at your plan is that many times we are doing things which work against our own success. If you find yourself sitting on the couch with a remote in your hand six nights out of seven, I think you might have a clue why you can't find a mate. What is your plan? Write it down! Review it on a daily basis.

How about the job search? Do you have a concrete plan to find a job? Get a copy of the book, What Color is Your Parachute? at your local library. This book is re-edited every year so make sure you have the most recent edition. Complete the exercises in the book especially the exercise on transferable skills. Write down a list of all the friends, former co-workers, family members and acquaintances you have. Share your resume(s) with them. Notice I said 'resumes' - plural. I have about four different resumes I keep updated on a regular basis. Write resumes geared to your areas of expertise. Finding a job is going to work going everyday. Get up early. Dress like you are looking for a job right off (no lounge clothes). Your clothes are a physical description of your attitude about looking for a job.

Find a counselor or a support group. Since many people are in financial straits, they may not afford a counselor. However, there are many kinds of support groups around which can help you address your situation. It might be a job hunting club. It might be a support group at your community of faith. If you are struggling to keep your emotional balance while trying to find hope and direction, I recommend Emotions Anonymous. There is a group in many communities. If there is none, you might want to start one. (There are also online EA groups: see http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/) If you cannot find a support group of any kind, find an individual who is positive, who is already functioning at the level you would like to be at, and invite this person to join you on a weekly basis to support you.

Be aware of relying on mood altering drugs: alcohol and street drugs. These drugs are temporary stimulants and/or depressants which do nothing to add to your happiness or effectiveness.

When life doesn't work out, we may feel we are worthless and shameful. This need not be the case. There is help when life doesn't work for us.

(c) 2008 Ronald Friesen