For some people this is not a happy day. This the Hallmark Holiday when they remember their birth mother was physically and/or emotionally unavailable to them.
What do you do when find yourself in this situation?
First, it doesn't particularly help to think about all the reasons why mother was physically or emotionally unavailable. Sometimes we make excuses for this experience: she was always ill, she was an alcoholic, she had to share her love with too many of us, she was a single mom and she had support us, she made poor choices and as a result, she wasn't there.
The reason that excuse-making isn't helpful is that you were not a rational adult when you experiencing all of this abandonment. You were a small child. This was all of life you know. In fact you may have even thought it was normal. Today it that little child in you is who is crying about those missed experiences. You can try and rationalize your mother's behavior today, however, your heart is still broken over the missed opportunities to experience your mother's attention.
There are a two different approaches to dealing with the absent mother. One is grief-work. Utilizing the skills of the field of grief-work, you can work through the losses which you experienced in your childhood. This means going through the anger, sadness, depression, and pain of your abandonment. Healing comes from going through the grief experience.
Some people have found trauma counseling also helpful. This means using concepts like grounding, ambivilent attachment, challenging irrational thoughts, and forgiveness to find healing.
I have used both approaches successfully with people who are dealing with abandonment of a parent.
Are you looking for a relationship and going home to an empty home?
First, you are not alone. Millions of Americans are experiencing this same frustration. I know that probably isn't a great comfort; just know that your experience is not unique. Sometimes knowing that our situation is not unique helps us not to blame ourselves.
Second, think about your plan to change your life. The reason I say that you should look at your plan is that many times we are doing things which work against our own success. If you find yourself sitting on the couch with a remote in your hand six nights out of seven, I think you might have a clue why you can't find a mate. What is your plan? Write it down! Review it on a daily basis.
How about the job search? Do you have a concrete plan to find a job? Get a copy of the book, What Color is Your Parachute? at your local library. This book is re-edited every year so make sure you have the most recent edition. Complete the exercises in the book especially the exercise on transferable skills. Write down a list of all the friends, former co-workers, family members and acquaintances you have. Share your resume(s) with them. Notice I said 'resumes' - plural. I have about four different resumes I keep updated on a regular basis. Write resumes geared to your areas of expertise. Finding a job is going to work going everyday. Get up early. Dress like you are looking for a job right off (no lounge clothes). Your clothes are a physical description of your attitude about looking for a job.
Find a counselor or a support group. Since many people are in financial straits, they may not afford a counselor. However, there are many kinds of support groups around which can help you address your situation. It might be a job hunting club. It might be a support group at your community of faith. If you are struggling to keep your emotional balance while trying to find hope and direction, I recommend Emotions Anonymous. There is a group in many communities. If there is none, you might want to start one. (There are also online EA groups: see http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/) If you cannot find a support group of any kind, find an individual who is positive, who is already functioning at the level you would like to be at, and invite this person to join you on a weekly basis to support you.
Be aware of relying on mood altering drugs: alcohol and street drugs. These drugs are temporary stimulants and/or depressants which do nothing to add to your happiness or effectiveness.
When life doesn't work out, we may feel we are worthless and shameful. This need not be the case. There is help when life doesn't work for us.
Jimmy Giuffre, 86, music pioneer of classically inspired jazz Matt Schudel Washington Post Apr. 30, 2008 12:00 AM
Jimmy Giuffre, a jazz musician who composed a popular big-band anthem of the 1940s and became an innovator of a minimalist form of classically inspired jazz, died Thursday at Berkshire Medical Center in Pittsfield, Mass.
He had Parkinson's disease and would have turned 87 last Saturday.
Giuffre had his greatest early fame as the composer of Four Brothers, a popular instrumental hit for Woody Herman's big band in 1947. Later, after a stint in the saxophone section of Herman's big band, Giuffre formed a series of trios that explored what he called "blues-based folk jazz."
His groups, invariably called the Jimmy Giuffre 3, often included guitarist Jim Hall and blended advanced musical techniques with a homespun, back-porch feeling. Giuffre, who played clarinet, tenor saxophone and baritone saxophone in the 1950s, gained modest popularity in the late 1950s and was featured in the documentary Jazz on a Summer's Day, filmed at the 1958 Newport Jazz Festival.
Later, as his ideas reached beyond the mainstream, Giuffre lost his audience and concentrated on teaching and composing. In the past 10 years, however, as his early recordings were re-released, he was recognized as a subtle and forward-thinking jazz pioneer.
After early experience in jazz bands, Giuffre took an interest in counterpoint, fugues and other elements of classical music.
He became identified with John Lewis, George Russell, Gunther Schuller and other musicians who sought to blend jazz and classical music in a style known as Third Stream.
James Peter Giuffre was born in Dallas on April 26, 1921.
Yesterday was April 23, 2008. One month after my mother's birthday. It was interesting to me to watch my reactions to the date each time I had write it down or type it into a document.
I was keenly aware of the '23'.
I have taught many classes on loss and grief. I have lead many groups for bereaved people. One of the points that I make to grieving people is that the date of the death, the day of the week of the death, the birthdate of the deceased and other special dates associated with the deceased are dates to which we should pay attention. I have never talked about the 'day' as in my case the number '23'.
I think I learned something about my own grief work yesterday.
I must say that while my thoughts were pleasant, filled with gratitude, and beautiful, they were, I observed myself, also filled with twinges of pining: "I wish she was here."
Parent Loss - Reflections on the death of my Mother
Today is March 23, 2008 - the 81st Birthday of my mother.
My mother was born in Coaldale, Alberta, Canada, the second daughter of Russian Mennonite immigrants who arrived in Canada in 1926 from the Omsk region of Russia. She was one of 13 children. (Interesting note - while she was one of the younger ones at her death at 74, only she and three of her siblings are deceased at this writing. Longevity seems to the name of the game!)
I know little of her growing up years except that I am sure that they must have been difficult. She was born shortly after the arrival of the family in Canada. The Depression came soon after. The family moved to British Columbia in the last 1930s.
Her father was not a church-going person; her mother was a woman of faith. Her father became a Christian in Canada sometime in the 1930s.
My parents met while attending evening Bible School classes at the church my father attended. They were married on August 9, 1947.
When I think of my mother today I am reminded of her devotion to her family, her hard work, her faith and her courage.
My mother was not the best cook; she was, however, the best baker in the family and in the neighborhood. When it came to family gatherings, she was always asked to contribute her butterhorns or pies or other pastry items. She was an excellent seamtress; she made many of my sister's dresses.
My mother was a very hard worker. I remember her putting many hours into her garden, into caring for the strawberry patch (we had about an acre of strawberries), taking care of the chickens (we had about 1,000 laying hens when we were small), and then helping in the dairy when it came to milking the cows. I still recall a winter when my dad was laid up with a sore back for months, mother and I milked the 20 cows morning and night. Besides doing all the chores outside, my mother also had to do all the other work inside the house.
My favorite memories of my mother are around playing chinese checkers with her while she ironed clothes. Since I had younger sisters to play with, I don't remember me and my mother spending much time together.
My mother was a woman of deep faith. She was a faithful church attender, a person who read her Bible and prayed. Her faith was not an intellectual faith; she actively practiced her faith by her deeds of kindness to many of the neighbors. My mother was attracted to all those in the community who seemed to be rejected by others. She was a woman filled with grace and forgiveness for those who most needed it and didn't find it.
It is probably this last feature of my mother's life which has affected me the most to this day: no one is outside of God's love. Love all you meet - no matter how unlovable they may seem.
My mother was also a woman of great courage. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 67. She underwent a radical bi-lateral mastecectomy after diagnosis. She courageously fought off the disease for many years, ended up in a wheelchair for a number of years, refused to be a victim and finally succumbed to the disease on June 15, 2000 - six months after my father's death.
Today is Easter Sunday, 2008. So it is fitting that I celebrate the resurrection on my mother's 81st Birthday.
Mom, I love you. Mom, thank you for loving me. Mom, thank you for teaching me how to pray. Mom, thank you for showing me how to love others.
Mom, I hope to see you someday - celebrating God's love with you.
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